You don't have to read this but id appreciate it if u did it’s mostly just venting

why ... every time i fall for her, i build shit up and then get blown off and shoved into this well. I end up having to swim myself out of this well over and over again and each time I end up sinking deeper and deeper. I don't wanna drown but i cant stop falling for her. I'm trapped in this endless loop of regret and each time the loop resets i fall for her warm smile, her soft laugh, her galaxy eyes and her strength, her determination to do things and get things done. i don't know why but just hearing her voice through zoom is enough to take the edge off. i think i love her and the worst part about it all is that she doesn’t know and i don't know how to tell her. ... And now shes playing minecraft on our server with ‘him’, tall, ripped, smart, with an amazing work ethic and shes falling for him I can feel it. she laughs at his jokes and he teases her and its just the most disgustingly cute thing I've ever seen. but it doesn’t matter how i feel, I'm not allowed to feel things. the only thing ill let myself feel is the water filling up my metaphorical lungs as I slowly sink back into that well. ... as long as shes happy that's all i need to stay afloat because if she wont be happy with me. I've accepted that.